tinylife

hi

2006-09-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

i am back. well, not really because i will probably disappear again some time. i'm back home with my sis and have been hiding away in my safe little corner for awhile. i dont know why i'm back blogging again, perhaps i do miss this internet world i used to live in. things have been pretty much the same as when i last left off. i am still living in this little world of my own, hearing these little voices in my head. i am still depressed and constantly running away from myself. nothing really changed i guess, apart from where i am now.

i no longer have access to my singnet email account because i cannot remember the password that they've randomly assigned to me. i dont think i'll receive any emails anyhow. i've been so out of touch with the internet, emails, chats and stuff. i have thought of writing so many times, and i have written in the old fashion way many times too. but when i turn on my computer, my mind just goes blank. funny how the mind works or not work. i think i should get some sleep now.

back

2006-08-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

i'm back. not back because i know what to write though. in fact, i'm still as clueless as when i left off the last time. i'm on a one week break from work and all i do is lie in bed and do nothing. i try to sleep during the day but my mind won't switch off. nothing's particularly bothering me though, other than the usual whiney stuff. i just lie here and wonder where or what it is that i'm heading towards. nothing comes out of it usually, other than headaches and lethargy. guess its all just a journey to the end really. the end would just be like when a movie ends or when a shop closes forever. the doors will shut, the lights will blow out and you just fall asleep forever, and nothing that has happened in the past will ever matter anymore, the end.

A part of me is telling me to delete all that crap above and close this window and maybe go to sleep, forget that i had wanted to write something. because its all crap, senseless crap that doesn't say anything. i cannot even write a simple post about what i did today or yesterday or last week or whatever. Because none of it really matters. none of it.

WIthdraw - Stolen from somewhere

2006-07-29T20:43:00.000+08:00

is it friday yet?

2006-07-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

The week didnt start off well unless you count the weekend as the first day, which anyhow, wasnt fantastic either. i got up on monday feeling crappy from a bad dream and just had two days of shit work and big boss sitting beside me bombarding me with questions. why isnt it friday yet, it feels like i've been through a long fucked up week and its only been two fucking days. weekends are no use to me either, but definitely better than the last two days. i haven't been blogging and i cannot remember where i left off. it feels like ages. but nothing has changed anyhow. still doing the same things, waking up at the same hour, whining about the same issues, nothing new. other than the fact that i've been suffering from severe bouts of apathy and outside of work, i just lie in bed. i think this lifeless being of mine must be affecting my work as well. i dont seem to understand what my boss or my traders are saying lately and i think they must feel the same way about me too. i am going downhill and i am trying my best to ease the pain when i hit bottom by using whatever form of brakes i can find. and its wearing me out.

i dont have anything else to say. this is the part i hate most when i'm posting. its when i dont have anything else and i dont know how to end the post. well, i guess this is it then.

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." Albert Camus

a post about nothing, really

2006-06-25T21:27:00.000+08:00

saturday:
other than having slept half the day away, i've walking around like a little drunk. i think i've probably had alittle too much of valium from the night before. And no, after having all that extra extra valium, i was still up till 7am. i had started taking them at 10pm the night before. i think i finally got to sleep some time in the morning. i couldn't really walk straight the whole day and was alittle retarded in my actions too. but i didn't have to do much yesterday. well, actually i did have something to do, but i didn't do it because i was kind of asleep in my own world one way or another.

sunday:
i did sleep at the right time, although i didn't really wake at the right time. i guess i do enjoy those extra hours just lying in bed, asleep or not. i did sit up in bed for an hour or so and put on a dvd called "history of violence" on my laptop and watched it to the end. not a bad one. i was trying to watch the "jarhead" dvd, but it somehow didn't work, so i guess its just too bad. more valium for me tonight? i don't know. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. its hard to telland when you realise whether its working or not, its already too late.

And so it has come, once again, to the end of the weekend. it'll be nice to have a chat once again with everyone. i think we haven't had apos, chatty and clance signed up yet. Maybe i'll drop by their blogs to let them know. I hope everyone'll have a great week ahead.

blinded by tears

2006-06-22T21:31:00.000+08:00

too much tears have blinded my eyes and i can't post. perhaps that is not so true since i am actually posting right now. but its odd that tears can't stop flowing and i don't really know why. i guess its just one of those lonely nights where i ought to be watching tv, reading a book or sleeping but i can't take myself to do any of it. once again, i need a break, from myself. and that is making me cry.

goodnight

2006-06-20T21:27:00.000+08:00

Tonight i am going to bed early. it is not because i'm tired or because i can't wait for tomorrow to come. in fact, i am so not looking forward to the next day. but anyhow, i'm going to bed early because i have nothing else to do staying awake. this whole having nothing to do thing is just driving me crazy. sure i could put on a movie or read a book, but i don't feel like it. i guess i'd rather sleep. i can't believe i can even post about something as silly as this. but if my memory has not failed me (which it has many times), i believe i've posted sillier stuff before. i really have nothing else to say here. i guess i could talk about the sleeveless shirt i'm wearing with a cute little bear on it wearing a bright red ribbon. or i could talk about how it always rains when i'm about to step out of the house. or i could go into details about how long it has been since i changed my sheets and there're prob bed bugs crawling all over me whilst i sleep at night. but nah.. i think i'll switch off whatever it is that's on and go to bed. So goodnight all you good people. And goodday, if you're reading this in the day.

happy father's day

2006-06-18T20:12:00.000+08:00

i just got back from a wedding celebration of an ex-colleague from bp. i was rather under-dressed. most of them were in pretty dresses but i went in a simple skirt and blouse. didn't really enjoy the "reunion" with all my ex-colleagues, didn't have much to say to them. i wonder if they enjoyed themselves in such social occasions, they prob do since i was seeing smiley faces everywhere. the place was nice though. it is a standalone bunglow on a hilltop, sort of in the middle of a jungle, transformed into a restaurant and wine house, a very good place for a retreat. as i watched the couple take their vows, i felt nothing. it was empty inside, no joy whatsoever. and i wonder if others could feel their joy. somehow it didn't mean anything to me. its father's day today. i guess their fathers must be overjoyed to watch their children getting married, must have been such a special day for them. or not, i don't know. i know i saw my dad shedding a tear on my wedding day, although it didn't turn out as it should have. he didn't say much to me on that day, he was such a quiet man. but he didn't need to say anything, i understood how he felt at that time. anyhow, now that i'm back home, i just want to hide under my covers. that few hours of hanging around so many people, putting on a smile to match theirs was just way too much for me. thank god i'm back in my little safe haven, i need this time alone, it feels so good.

so, its father's day. i would have brought him out for a nice meal, he loves going out to eat and drink. i guess there isn't much i can do except to remember the good times and carry his spirit in my heart. god i miss him! i still can't seem to explain what losing someone does to you. i really thought that things would be better off for me if i could somehow forget my dad completely. but then again, i figured why would i want to do that? if he means so damn much to me, why should i forget him. alot of him is in me and that is what i need to carry on. i guess we will all be together when our time is up. it's just so hard trying to get to that point. i hold him each day in my heart and i look forward to seeing him when my time is up. happy father's day, dad. i love you.

as i lie here..

2006-06-12T23:44:00.000+08:00

i am suddenly hit by a feeling of sadness. sure, it doesn’t sound like something new, but this feels different from the usual apathy that i feel. it feels like my heart is heavy and it is sinking deeper and deeper as if i have just been thrown with some kind of dreadful news. and i feel lonely too like there is no one here to share this burden with me. it is as if someone had just left me and a part of me is now missing. this is strange, there is no reason for me to feel this way all of a sudden. nothing devastating happened today or yesterday or last week. no one came and no one left. but i don’t know why i feel like someone did and left a hole inside me. i am left feeling empty, i am not sure by what force i feel this way. i want to stick my hand into my body and fill this missing part with something. or maybe stick it with glue to the rest of the organs. or is it my brain that needs this glue. i don’t want to feel anymore.

trivial trivia

2006-06-09T00:02:00.000+08:00

i was hoping to find someone online. i don't really know why because i don't really have anything in particular that i want to say to anyone. but there isn't anyone anyway. so it doesn't matter how i feel. my pdoc has increased my sertraline and given me methylphenidate. i don't really know what that is but he says it should work faster than the rest. supposed to help me focus and maybe make me happy. hasn't given me the kind of euphoria i was hoping for. funny i used the word hoping. i don't know why i bother hoping, but i guess, one cannot possibly live without having some kind of hope in their life. one's got to have somewhere to run to, someone to turn to or something to seek comfort in. anyway, the new med gave me alittle headache and makes my heart beat faster initially, although i must have gotten over it by now since i hardly felt it over the last two days. i don't have much to say here, i don't why i clicked on the blogger dashboard. perhaps i just needed to do something while i'm lying here awake. i've been hoarding on my ami for some time now, taking sleeping tabs or whatever other stuff i can find to help me sleep instead. i kinda feel safe knowing that i have the lot of ami there if i need them, even though i'm alittle scared to take them all. its weird, i don't know if it makes sense to any of you. i don't know what strange dreams i'm going to have tonight. at least i'm not having nightmares like i used to. now i just wake up wondering why i meet all these strangers in my dreams and why they play such major roles in my dreams. i am also amazed by how my mind can unconsciously, while i'm asleep, make up such unusual stories that don't make much sense most of the time.

oh look, i found some things to say, albeit mostly scattered and incoherent.

sleep

2006-06-04T01:48:00.000+08:00

i took 2 diazepam almost 5 hours ago. why am i still so damn awake??? i just took another one. perhaps some booze might help. but i don't have any. maybe i have to take a fucking handful of these sleeping pills to put me out. but then i might have to wait another damn hour for it to take effect. cough syrup would knock the daylights out of me pretty fast. damn sleeping meds. my mind's rejecting sleep after having too much of it all day.

stranger on a train

2006-06-01T10:06:00.000+08:00

i had a weird dream last night. i couldn’t say how weird it was because i cannot recall the entire storyline. i do remember seeing a woman in the dream with one of her arm chopped off and whatever left of it still dangling off her shoulder. she looked like she was in a state of shock, sitting quietly on what looked like a train seat. not exactly a lovely sight. i’ve always wondered if i would ever meet these dream strangers in my real life or what i’d do if i actually meet them. probably nothing.

therapist contacted my pdoc, says i need an earlier appointment. so i’ll be meeting him early next week. i don’t even remember the date of my original appointment. they usually send a text message to my mobile to remind me. this entire text messaging concept must have been thought of by some anti-social fuck like me who’d rather send a short message then start a phone conversation. i don’t know what i should tell my pdoc when i see him. i’d just be repeating myself. i don’t want to say that i’m suicidal because i don’t want to be warded and i don’t want to try my luck on a new drug because i’m tired of starting on another roller coaster ride. he probably doesn’t need me to say anything. the therapist would have updated him and the earlier appointment speaks for itself, to some extent.

i fainted at work early this week and scare the hell out of my colleagues. i had low blood pressure and low blood sugar level. perhaps taking propranolol had something to do with it . i had a day off from that, which was nice. now everyone in the office thinks i’m some weakie, kept asking if i feel okay and telling me that i need to drink more water, eat more fruits and stuff. i don’t know how drinking water helps but i appreciate their concern. bed is what i need now more than anything else. i’m going to cancel on my therapist this weekend. i don’t know what made me think of that or why, but my therapist face suddenly flashed through my mind and i feel ugh.

boohoohoo

2006-05-27T14:27:00.000+08:00

i went to therapy this morning. didn't tell her that i don't need her anymore. instead i did the total opposite and started crying or wailing to be more accurate. i didn't think i could still wail like this, the last time i did so was when my dad left. guess i just needed to get that out. have been feeling desperate lately and i needed someone to listen and i don't really care if its the therapist or if its some dodgy looking man on the street. so maybe i do need her afterall. i bet she must be shocked with the total change in attitude or the sudden willingness to display emotions. or perhaps she's laughing inside when i finally broke. fuck do i care. in the train on my way for my appointment, there was this really cute little girl in a pram who was screaming at the top of her voice. occasionally she would stop and look at me and then continue to scream even louder as if i had given her a slap. i look at her poor mother who couldn't do anything to stop her or if she could, she didn't. i mean, that little girl was really cute, she had such big round baby eyes and chubby cheeks, makes you want to pinch or poke them. but i couldn't say the same for her voice. i don't remember what brought me to think about her. its raining heavy out with thunder and all. its nice to get some sleep with the cool weather and after the outburst this morning, i do feel rather tired.

2006-05-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

it feels lonely tonight. terribly lonely. will you visit me tonight? its a miserable night. so miserable it hurts. it hurts so bad, i want to cry. but i can't. my tears won't come. the river is dry. the night looks bleak and dreary. is there anyone out there? it is a miserable, miserable night. wretched lonely night. And the pain is suffocating me.

I can, i can, i can...

2006-05-24T14:10:00.000+08:00

My eyes hurt this morning although I’m not sure why. It has probably got to do with the fact that I slept at 3ish and got up at 6ish. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning but I guess I didn’t want to lose my job either. I sometimes wonder why I’m hanging on to this job so dearly [well, not as firmly as it appears given my all-so-familiar disappearances from work]. Anyhow, I thought that if I got somehow sacked from this job, I’d be so desperate and driven towards doing something else and perhaps I might succeed in whatever endeavour I may undertake since I really have got nothing to lose then. With this silly job so closely tied to my material needs, it’s hard to overcome the paranoia that any new undertaking would not be better than the current one. Oh but what am I really saying here? Do I seriously believe in this? I think if I really lost my job, I’d just stay home and cry and whine for a long time, after which I might proceed to sleep all day, allowing my body to perhaps stay in the same position the entire day. I dare not think what I might do in the time beyond that. Talk about being driven. Funny how I try to kid myself sometimes, about myself. Please don’t be mistaken that I’m complaining about my job. I do complain at times but not in this post. I have a job that gives me time to occasionally hold internal dialogue with and write personal notes to myself, one that gives me space for some of my untimely panic attacks, so what do I have to complain about? Other than my evil nasty-ass boss of course. I was just toying with the idea or the possibility of doing something which I’d enjoy because it would certainly make life a lot easier for me, although I haven’t quite figured what it is that I like and will not fail miserably at.

I went to the doctor for more prescription refills of cough syrup in a desperate quest for numbness yesterday. But I didn’t take it. Instead I embarked upon a little project of my own to drive those nauseating voices away. I thought about my latest failed attempt in the financial market [and yes, the discovery of yet another untalented or ill-fated fiasco in my life that I should resolutely stay away from in the future to prevent further losses]. And I decided to make myself feel a little better by making a list of things that I can do and do not suck too terribly at. I had a little fun initially but after listing several items, the whole project turned out to be quite a chore when I became painfully aware of how little I could list down even if it meant listing the simplest things that I should have been able to do. And so that entire useless reminiscing had kept me up till 3am in the morning. Maybe I should put up some of my “I CANs” for your amusement. Or not.

speeding bullets and shockwaves

2006-05-23T14:35:00.000+08:00

I feel tired today. Very, very tired. It’s not about sleep. I’ve had enough sleep over the last few days. Well perhaps some intermittent ones particularly last night, but I am not sleepy or rather not heavy-eyed. I am just tired, exhausted, my eyes have been playing tricks on me all day and my mind is weighed down by simple things that are moving around me, everything seems to be slipping by, papers rattling, doors sliding, conversations, noise, people walking, talking, even myself, trying to remember things or repeating myself. So many things happening, but nothing comes. I am empty, but yet I feel heavy. I’m cold and exhausted. I massage my fingers against my forehead. I rest my head on my headrest and close my eyes. I imagine myself crawling under my desk, hiding from the weight of my surroundings, from myself. I want to go to the end of i'm not sure what and see if there’s anything there. I want to know where, what, why. But no, everything is moving too fast, too much. I feel overburdened. I want to numb myself and not know why, not see or hear anything.

may i be damned

2006-05-21T16:01:00.000+08:00

May i be damned, i have once again slept through smoochie's long overdue vaccination appointment. You know what it is like to be in a coma-like state, my body felt heavy and it just couldn't move and as i picked up my mobile to my friend's voice wondering if i was going to turn up at our meeting place as previously arranged, i knew i've stuffed it up once again. But my mind was still kinda in a daze and i could hardly speak afew words. All i said was i'm sorry and you go ahead without me. If she was with a more caring and responsible family, she would have gotten her vaccination done ages ago. She is putting on some weight though, i have 7kg worth of food delivered to my house some time ago and amother 7kg worth of kitty litter which is unfortunately down to its last change or two. Talking of smoochie, she's right here staring at me as i type this. She suspects that i'm writing about her. Now she wants to have a look. No, she just wants her head rub. I have to remember to collect my meds on monday. But i'm sure they'll call me up to remind me anyway. As much as i hate it, i have to make the effort to do it, don't i? There's someone at the door. Okay, i'm not answering this one, its the guy who's in charge of collecting the maintenance fees. He's probably here to remind me that i'm late. He can call me on the telephone, we really don't have to start any face-to-face lengthy conversation for this. I'll drop the cheque off in his letterbox on monday. I'm sure he knows how unsociable or unfriendly i am through my one-word replies to most of their questions. Right now, i'm having second thoughts about this life of mine and the last thing i want is to respond or even listen to any of their mindless talk or get involved in any of their nitpickings with one another. I guess i'm just not their typical collective community sort of person. Oh boy, every minute seems to be dragging along so damn slowly. Goonna pop a sleeping tab or two, just to get through the day.

blog resurrected

2006-05-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

I've decided to write again. I guess i should have known better than to be so quick to give an end to my blog. I should have known that i just couldn't possibly handle my pointless life without the option to gripe and whine about it in writing along the way. Yes, this is a fantastic hideout for me when i am angry, when i want to shout and scream, when í am tired, when i feel tied up in messy knots and need to find a place where i can empty my lungs in heavy sighs or when all forms of communication seem to have broken down in my real life and i have become monosyllabic, this is the place i run to. Like what i am doing right now. So what have i been doing over the last couple of weeks? Slipping in and out of coma mostly. Yes, i do vaguely remember having gone to work, drowning my days in coffee and having one too many cigarettes till i feel sickish. Oh, and having slept through my therapy sessions too. I think i don't need that anymore. I appreciate her efforts and she's a really sweet woman and all but perhaps i am just too stubborn and indifferent for therapy to work. I can't think of what she'll say when i tell her i don't need therapy anymore. Perhaps i could convey the message to her over the phone, would be alot easier. Or if i could do it through her assistant, it'll be no problem at all. I'm also thinking of finding a better place for little Smoochie. She'll be so much better off in a family that can take care of her needs without delay. I think its better this way, she doesn't need someone like me who seems to be perpetually chained and dragging a prison ball everywhere, or someone who's constantly threading on a thin line between light and darkness. Yes, it is probably better this way, i just haven't got the strength to let go. I just wished things were easier. Fuck, i really don't know what i am saying here. I must be losing my marbles forgetting where i dropped them or if i had them in the first place. I listen to those voices way too much. There was something else i had intended to unload here in this space but i have clearly forgotten what it is. Oh well, i'm going to load myself up with some ami. I have lots to spare, i guess afew more wouldn't hurt. I could do with some extra sleep.

The End

2006-05-07T16:16:00.000+08:00

I've been toying with the idea of ending this blog for awhile now. More or less. I didn't make it to a year but the truth is i never expected myself to. I've thought many times about alternatives, but due to severe bouts of depression and apathy, it appeared none suited me the way that i am. Something new might come along, i really don't know. Each day, i find it harder and harder to write about the daily humdrums of my life, for myself or for anyone else. I guess my life doesn't get any more exciting than this. All my posts are a reflection of what it has been like for me over the last one year or less. However i have not been able to understand why these posts mean nothing to me more than words joined together to form meaningless, worthless sentences.

The internet world has become an obsession for me and i cannot tear myself away. The friends that i've made here on the internet are precious to me (although it appears otherwise as i have not been visiting most of them). But i will visit and comment when i am not down in the dumps and am able to say something comprehensible to others. It has taken me some time just to write this short post. My head is pounding and i feel a stinging sensation in my eyes. I probably need some rest.

outside

2006-05-06T13:20:00.000+08:00

Don't feel like going outside, washing myself, or cleaning the house. Not for weeks. My daily routine gets simpler and simpler. The space move in smaller and smaller. I only use a couple of places in the house. Bed, bathroom. laptop. The couch could go. Just as the table, the closet, the washing line, the phone guide and the phone.

And much of the rest. The house would be empty. Clear. But I'd have to move those things out the door. And I'm not going outside...

Besides, it doesn't make any difference.

where is my mind?

2006-05-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

I wake this morning with a nauseating headache and a budding sense of frustration that i cannot make sense of. This is not an uncommon, but rather, a familiar episode that is happening to me, as i should be so damned well aware of. Habitually, for the lack of healthier subjects and obsessions, my muse is always chained to the same mess of tendril wires. I would love to use the emptiness of my body's exhaustion as an excuse for this seemingly lack of imagination or whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it, but i know that i keep dwelling on this same sad bowl of vomit because i don’t know what else to do. It clearly demonstrates my inability to reason beyond this, whether or not i had that ability to begin with no longer matters.

People in the office must think i’m stand-offish, unapproachable and unfriendly. And i’m not being paranoid. In reality, when I’m not mulling over the same sort of things in my mind, i don’t think i’m unfriendly or arrogant. I can be shy as i rarely initiate conversations or speak when i’m in a group. This is only because i usually maintain the paranoid belief that i am either banal or superfluous in most of the things i wish to say. And hence i usually speak only when I’m spoken to.

This afternoon, many people in the office turned to look at the darkened grey skies and the rain spitting against the windows. Their eyes soon returned to their monitors and their fingers resumed tapping on their keyboards, i could have sworn that i heard a collective sigh floating up towards the tiled ceiling. Not me, though. Maybe it's because i just wasn't there today. Physically, i was at my desk. Mentally, however, your guess is as good as mine. I would love to know where my mind goes when it just wanders off somewhere on its own accord, absent without leave. I sometimes wonder if that knowledge would enlighten me, make things clearer. Probably not.

I have forgotten what the purpose of this post is. Nothing remotely interesting or inspiring of course.

heartbreak

2006-05-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

i received a heartbreaking news today. Keith, my 12-year old neighbour has brain tumour and the doctors are not able to operate on it. i spoke to his mother briefly, as she wept, i could feel her anguish and affliction. even though it does not have direct bearing on me, it pains me just the same to watch them go through this. i wish there was something i could do other than pray. but there is nothing more i can do. The value of life that i fail to appreciate and so stubbornly reject, others will give up all that they have for it.

come apart

2006-05-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

my toenail gradually turned purple, hung loose for afew days. it has just decided to leave the rest of my body. it refuses to have anything more to do with me. just like that. after so many years. wonder whether my hairs feel the same about me. wonder if they wonder how long more they have to put up with me. or my brain, which is asleep right now. could it be dreaming of a revolution against my body? what if every piece of me declared itself independent, maybe while i'm asleep? maybe i should stay awake at night, just to keep myself together. just in case.

maybe my heart will leave me too. i'd have to break my own heart first, as a precaution.

tagged by lisa and pj

2006-05-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

6 weird things/habbits about myself:

1) my favourite order at any cafeteria is a latte with skim milk and a brownie with extra scoops of ice cream. its weird because the two orders contradict each other

2) i talk to my cat(s) and behave like they're my babies. and i know they don't understand any shit i say but i still talk to them like they do

3) i talk to myself alot, or to the voices in my head. i sometimes hold lengthy conversations with myself

4) i wear the same two suits for interviews and when attending any important or consequential meetings because they are my 'lucky' suits

5) i drink cough syrup to get high

6) i killed 15 of my fishes by feeding them paracetemol (5 x 500mg) - yes, they looked like they were having a headache

now, i'm tagging you. yes you. screw the six. if you haven't already done it, you are one of them. don't pretend like you didn't read what i just wrote. go do it and lead me there.

Empty

2006-04-30T02:30:00.000+08:00

I feel empty, void somewhere inside. And I sit here waiting, and waiting for something, someone, somewhere to fill my void. But I know deep down that nothing will come. I know that I don’t have to continue waiting because it will be futile. And I know this because of who I am. Because I don’t know what it is that I’m waiting for, or what I am looking for, let alone how to get there. Because I have no control over my life and my mind and hence I lie here and watch the world go by. I let my life slip away from me. And all I do is watch; watch the last of my hopes drift away, further and further from me as my body weighs heavy. And before I know it, I soon realise that I have become blind, blind to anything that may come my way. I no longer see because I no longer believe and trust that a miracle will happen, or that there is such a thing called everlasting. And I shut myself away from the world, I hide and avoid, taking the easy way out, afraid that I lack the strength to confront the truth about life, about people and about myself. I used to have dreams but even these no longer exist. It hurts to know that they’ll always stay as dreams, not because I don’t have what it takes to fulfil them but because I have surrendered before I even started. I have lost the fighting spirit and I am now caught in a web, my own web as I watch it weave around me, strangling and suffocating me. I believe we all feel this way one time or another. Some people come out of it practically unscathed, perhaps even stronger. They find things that have kept them sane and alive. Me, I cannot move. I am stuck here and it feels like it has been forever.

saturday

2006-04-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

Just got back from my therapy session. i was rather late today, but i made it there anyway, better late than never... she was nice, she gave me some chocs and juice again. and i'm talking alittle more than before, which is good. although i tend to be more talkative when we weren't talking about me. i was telling her about my sweet little smoochie and she shared with me about her dogs and their grooming adventures and stuff. i didn't make it to the grocers afterthat as i was feeling so tired and couldn't wait to get back to bed.

I've been feeling out of control lately. my body no longer consults my mind before i do things. or perhaps i'm just no longer in control of my own mind. maybe i'm not used to going into the office and having to sit there the entire day. i get to see my pdoc next week, hopefully he'll increase the meds or do something. i need to get a grip on my life, and not to waste it away like i'm doing now.

2006-04-28T22:31:00.000+08:00

i anm tyring to blog. i fams sorryfp if i can t slpell. wqnt youto knerw thqt i'm vry sas. i'm depr3ssed . hgyujhbgnhbngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

bangrng haed on keybvtoard. hehe.\ snioochue is a vry bigh cat, how qis your cart dioing? and your famiely??/ i thienk my ehart's brekaing down. or head. i wqnt tobe haoppy i;áve not bven posring. beem busyr with

fucking hate

2006-04-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

i must hate people so much. just talking to them makes me sick in the stomach. gets me all depressed after. these are prob perfectly normal healthy pleasant or even delightful individuals but i am just so fucking repulsed by them or maybe anyone in general. don't ask me why. i have no idea why. i should go stay alone on a fucking island and spend my fucking days talking to fucking coconuts and chewing tree fucking barks. its obviously a problem on my part. i just hate... hate hate hate. i have an overwhelming urge to yell into the other party's face for no apparent reason. just fucking shut up and go away. ugh. i need to get high, fucking high. its better than having this bat shit crazy feeling that i cannot figure out or my mind's just too dull to figure anything out other than my fucking emotions.

Buggered

2006-04-24T17:28:00.000+08:00

I realised that no matter how many fucking hours i spend thinking, reading, writing or how many hours i think, read or write about fucking, i remain completely, utterly and hopelessly bugger in the head.

And no fat fucking gadfly or harly monster has sued or stolen from me yet. Fuck!

Block

2006-04-23T15:42:00.000+08:00

today

2006-04-23T00:02:00.000+08:00

Got up early this morning. I usually get up at least 2-3 hours before my therapy session. Maybe it reflects some sub-conscious enthusiasm for therapy, definitely nothing i'm conscious about. I was feeling drowsy before the session so i was mostly staring blankly at her throughout the hour. Maybe the session was just boring me to tears. She gave me some chocolates and orange juice, which was nice. I felt butterflies in my stomach, i usually do when i'm talking to someone unfamiliar for such a long time. The chocolates and orange did help alittle though. After the hospital incident, she's trying really hard to figure out my intentions from the things i say, reading too much between the lines i should say. But it appears she can only speak in questions, like why is that? how does that make you feel? is that right? And how the fuck would i know. I'm scared of her questions, they give me headaches.

After the session, i got home and hit the bed immediately. Slept for i don't know how long. Got up to find myself face flat to the ground beside my bed. Can't remember what brought me there or if i dreamt at all, but i stayed in that position for quite awhile. Wasn't so bad afterall. Helps with the thinking. Now i'm having a headache. Think i slept too much. Just taken an amitriptyline. Usually helps with the headache by knocking me out. i like that. My eyes hurt and i keep rubbing them because they're feeling really itchy. guess that's not helping much. Damn ami takes awhile to work.

Finally got out

2006-04-21T20:48:00.000+08:00

Today, i finally got tired of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling and i finally ran out of sleeping pills. SO, i got up, had a long shower [i needed the extra scrub since i haven't showered in days], and i went to the bookstore which i visited the last time with my sis when she was here. Didn't have any intention of getting anything, only wanted to take a walk and i couldn't think of a better place to do that than the bookstore. And while browsing through Ayn Rand's books, the tiny voice in my head told me that i didn't need a therapist and what i really needed was a philosopher like Ayn Rand. So i bought her book called, Philosophy, Who needs it? But i will still have to go for my therapy session tomorrow because if i miss it, they'll come get me instead, probably strap me in a straight-jacket or straitjacket, however it is spelt. I had some coffee and jalapeno howlers at the same bistro. I could feel my sister sitting right beside me and the conversation we had kept running through my mind over and over again. So i quickly left the place after that. I've not been the least bit interested in doing anything other than sleep and brood over the last couple of days. I'm glad i'm actually alittle excited about reading this book. Thanks for checking on me, for the few of you. Sorry i've been away and lost for alittle while. I hope everyone's doing well.

sister

2006-04-18T12:12:00.000+08:00

Slept for couple of hours. my sister just told me that she needs to cut her trip short because her clinic needs her there. she's catching the flight back this evening. this is not good. i'm going back to sleep. and when i wake up, i'll know its all just a bad dream. when i wake, i'll go have some more jalapeno howlers with her, and coffee too. she doesn't like me smoking so much, i think i can do that. back to bed.

my mind

2006-04-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

I can't figure myself out. i wish i knew what's wrong so i could find the answers. But i can't even figure that one out. Didn't take my ami or periactin tonight, dont really feel like going to sleep. all i want to do is sit here and figure out what's wrong. my favourite past time. i've alot on my mind, yet i can't list a single one down. strange isn't it. it is, so i'm going to sit here and figure it out. maybe everything is entwined into a ball and i can't take them apart. take what apart? hopefully i'll have all the answers by morning. hopefully.

Jalapeno howlers

2006-04-16T19:34:00.000+08:00

I finally got to try jalapeno howlers today at a bistro outside borders. And they were yummy and cheesy. I was with my sister. We shared a basket of jalapeno howlers and had some coffee. She bought me a book, no, a dictionary called the bibliophile's dictionary. It is a collection of words, definitions, citations by some aspiring writer and assiduous reader. It contains words like sesquipedalian, which i have a problem pronouncing, let alone understand. Apparently it is characterised by the use of overly long words. interesting. i'm gonna miss my sister when she goes back. She proached the subject again today but i wasn't ready to talk about it. Not sure when i will be. I'm reluctant to go back to my old life, there are just too many bad memories back there i want to forget. It's nice to be back home lying on my bed though, i'm thoroughly exhausted being out of my box for a couple of hours. I hope everyone's having a nice easter weekend.

back home

2006-04-15T16:17:00.000+08:00

I'm back home. my sis will stay with me for another week. it's alittle depressing to be back home. i know that sounds rather strange because it was rather depressing in the hospital as well. at least i don't have to wear my bra now that i'm back home. my sis says i was in a complete mess when she first arrived and she wants me to pack my bags and return home with her. she says i can't take care of myself. that's kinda upsetting to know, but she's probably right. maybe that's why its so upsetting. i've got a handful of meds to take now and i've got to keep going back to the hospital to collect them every week. not very exciting. but i've got a different pdoc now. my sis gave the last one a kick in the butt for not tracking me down when i missed my appointment. poor guy, getting a lousy patient like me. it is nice seeing my sis again, how i've missed her. she must have been disappointed to find me in the state that i was in. smoochie was so glad to see me, she meowed non-stop for almost an hour. i had to rub her head to reassure her that i'm not going anywhere. i've missed her too. i just had a nap in the afternoon but i'm still feeling tired. i'm probably having too much of it. i'm gonna go look for someplace nice to have dinner with my sis. she says we need to drop by the grocers. my kitchen looks totally empty. its nice to have someone here to decide these things for you. its looks overcast outside, i hope it doesn't rain when we're going for dinner. i hate getting wet and muddy feet.

hospital

2006-04-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

i am in the hospital now but i'm ok. my sis brought me here but i think i'll be going home soon. i've started eating and drinking last night and this morning. i am regaining my energy. they were discussing to put me through ect, but i refused and threatened to kill myself if they did. but i'm okay now. i should be going home soon i hope. i don't want to ruin my sister's holiday for her. she's having her coffee and waiting for me. i should go. take care. i miss my computer.

Waiting

2006-04-09T09:19:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting for a friend to call. She's bringing me and her two dogs to the vet. Well, i'm not the one seeing the vet, if that's what you're wondering. She just giving me a lift there so i can send my cat for her vaccination. Her long overdue vaccine. No updates on my therapy session, other than the fact that i did go for it. She didn't crush that little demon in my head. The session may have served as a louder reminder that it exists, if it does anything at all. Yes, i know, i need to give it time. Sure, i can wait.

I'm getting a headache just thinking about the coming work week. Every morning, i get on a train which takes me from my little box to the city where i work. Every morning is a bit of a psycho-drama, coz i can never know if i get a good seat or not. And a good seat would be no one else sitting on either side of me :
- eating some smelly food that'll make my empty stomach heave
- talking to their halfwit mates and screaming and hooting
- invading into my area and attempting to rest their heads on my shoulder whether intentionally or not
- snoring loudly
- smelling like they slept in a ditch the last 2 weeks
Friday morning, i have had the pleasure of listening to some teenage girls discuss how many of their grandparents were in hospital and for what reasons... and if i don't want to hear about one thing, the hernia of some stranger's uncle is high ranking on the list. I suppose i'm the person who's really cranky in the mornings, if not the entire day. But all i'm asking for is a bit of quiet and some idiot-free space. Is that too much?

At work, i've been trying to keeep my cool, not blow a fuse, and even try and engage in small talk with my boss. He wants me to get my act together and rub shoulders with some traders whose attitudes are really no different from his. As if one is not hard enough. Yes, sir. Can you see the excitment glowing all over my face? I love hanging around stuck-ups and dusting their butts after them. I went for some drinks with couple of frustrated ex-colleagues on friday, spending the night listening to them cuss about the pathetic flat bonuses they are getting, after having worked their asses off to a year's record high of profits for the company. And there's nothing they can do about it. Well i'm not surprised, who says communism doesn't exist? At least for those of us with no talent to break out on our own.

Update: 12 hours have passed. The little voice in my head has finally convinced me that i should take a break from blogging, away from this constant focus on myself, my life, my emotions and what have you. I was drawn to it as a form of self expression and it has served its purpose well. But until i am able to forget myself and put my past behind me, blogging will become a hideaway that only exists in my mind, waiting only to be shattered when faced with reality.

Pre-therapy

2006-04-08T09:00:00.000+08:00

I have an appointment with my therapist at ten this morning. I know i probably should go. Its strange that i automatically got out of bed this morning before my alarm clock had a chance to scare the crap out of me. I don't do that much, not when i've taken my ami the night before, plus my alcohol last night. I think i could feel my therapist knocking her knuckles against the back of my head, reminding me of our appointment. I can also hear the little demon in my head begging me not to go, giving me all the reasons why i'll hate my therapist and how it'll probably not work out. I can't even remember her face anymore. But i do remember that unfamiliar look that we both gave each other, her wondering if i really wanted her help and me wondering if she could really help me. I'm not good at meeting new people. And i can't in the world see how i can share my deepest and darkest moments with her. I should stop listening to the little demon. She's making me very uncomfortable before my appointment. Trying to think of something else. Oh, i'm bringing smoochie for her long-overdue vaccination tomorrow morning. I'd like to sleep in alittle longer over the weekends. Been missing my bed all week. Its 9am, i really should go get ready.

The little demon

2006-04-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

I haven't been able to blog for days. The little demon in my head is at it again. I like it when she leaves me alone. But she doesn't do that much, she likes playing tricks on this small vulnerable brain of mine. She thinks i let her, she's probably right. Sometimes i think she's happy when she claims victory over my head and in fact my body. Its like a personal achievement for her. Just like work peers or schoolmates who gloat inside when they gain entry into the elite team. Or maybe she's just doing her job as the little demon. I suppose i don't enjoy my job either. So i have been going about my days thinking that a disaster is about to happen, convinced that my boss hired me so that he can humiliate and laugh at me, feeling like i'm going to collapse from a heart failure anytime. I'm tempted to run around the office and the train station pretending i was an aeroplane. When i'm outside my box and right in the face with the world, i find it easier to hide or block people out by acting like a nutcase, almost like a child. Fortunately, the fear of straight jackets managed to keep that at bay. I've attempted to blog many times, but my fingers go limp on the keyboard [although they can still click the mouse very well] and my mind goes blank. I have been listening to a whole lot of miserable music too. Its the little demon's favourite. I don't know if i was miserable because i listened to the music or if i listened to them because i was miserable. Not sure which comes first.

Before i sign out, i'd like to quote someone [i cannot remember who]. The person told me an important thing : think of a moment that made you smile or made you laugh and just hold that thought. I cannot remember having laughed in a long time. I do, however, remember having cried so many times, even as a child. Why is pain always easier to remember? I did have a very nice dream not too long ago, but like most nice things, it came to an end. The little demon tells me that those little bouts of happiness that we experience so sparingly [even if they only come in dreams], exist so that we can understand what it means to be in fucking pain, to have no where to turn to, no way out. Saturday, i go for therapy again. My therapist is going to crush the little demon's head until there's nothing left. I really don't mind the little demon, she's so much like me. Too bad my therapist and most others don't.

Dream

2006-03-31T10:40:00.000+08:00

I had a dream. I dreamt that i had jumped off a bridge, died and visited many, many people across the globe. And i was at peace, neither happy nor sad. Due to typonese-error paranoia, i shall not elaborate into this. I sense something's happening, maybe it will be a dream to be fulfilled. I think some of this sensing psychopathic skills from my therapist is rubbing off me.

Boss

2006-03-29T11:40:00.000+08:00

I'm trying so hard to love my boss. Really. But everytime i try and think i'm making some progress, he does something that makes me want to grab my calculator and wank it right across my desk.

I should focus my energy on something more productive or important. Like counting the number of seconds it takes me to pee. 8 seconds from start to end. Or counting the number of seconds i can hold my breath before starting to panic about oxygen starvation and the death of brain cells. I did 28 seconds and i thought i was gonna die.

I'm trying so hard to love my boss. I really am.

Highlights - ShrinkTime

2006-03-28T15:20:00.000+08:00

After all the first-time introductions, here's my first therapy session:
Her : "So what brings you here today?"
Me : "Oh you know, same as everyone else. My psychiatrist doesn't know what to do with me."
Her : *Chuckles* "How long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?"
Me : "Once, maybe twice, can't remember. He thinks i'm not taking my meds accordingly."
Her : "And are you?"
Me : "No."
Her : "Why not?"
Me : "I don't want to be sleeping all the time."
Her : "Do you dream when you sleep?"
Me : "Yes."
Her : "Do you want to share any of your dreams with me?"
Me : "Can't remember them now."
*Moment of awkward silence*
Her : "So tell me, how have you been feeling?"
Me : "I'm okay, i guess"
Her : "You guess ... sounds like you’re not sure?" *sipping her water and kicking off her shoes*
Her :"What aren’t you sure about?"
Me : "Everything ... not sure if i should be here, not sure if i’m mad, not sure if what i think is real or just an illusion. Not sure if any of this is working, not sure if i’m wallowing in self pity ... not sure, just not sure"
Her : "Do you think being here will help?"
Me : "Yes" [She's playing mind games with me, she thinks she knows it all]
Her : "Are you wallowing in self-pity?"
Me : "Sometimes" [She's now going into mind-fuck-fuckers]
Her : "Don’t you think, we all wallow, occasionally?"
Me : "Yes" [Why is she asking me this??]
Her : "Are you mad, angry at something, someone?"
Me : "If i am, i'll be the last to know" [Smug to myself inside head, i think i managed to shut her up]
Her : "And I would be the first, you’re not mad" *smiles*
[Oh how smart]
Me : "I feel like i've fought and lost"
Her : "Better to be loved and lost then never loved at all" *looking all smiley and proud with her phrase*
*I almost fell off my chair*
Me : "I think now i'm just abit lost … like i'm in limbo land"
Her : "Limbo land sounds nice"
Me : "Yes, much better than hell i guess. But when i was in hell, i had a mission. Every morning i wake, i prepare for battle. Now … well, i’m just lost, i need a reason to fight on."
Her : "Why do you need a reason?"
Me : "Because …" [Fuck]
Her : "Isn’t being happy, reason enough?"
Me : "I suppose …"
She smiled. I think something just happened here.
My therapist is enthusiastic about us meeting more often, but she couldn't find a suitable time slot for me.

Headache

2006-03-26T22:03:00.000+08:00

I AM HAVING A HEADACHE. I WANT TIME TO STOP RIGHT NOW UNTIL I SAY SO.

A paragraph about me

2006-03-25T11:14:00.000+08:00

I was asked to write a short paragraph about myself for the upcoming department newsletter, along with a picture of myself. I'm trying to organise my thoughts and have listed a couple of things about myself that i could write about.

my mom once said i was a waste of space, i think i've proved her right

i live in a box and on a diet of prozac and sleeping pills

i have no money, no life, no friends, even my psychiatrist can't be bothered to talk to me

i don't go out because i am afraid happy, normal people will hijack my life

i am condemned to 40 more years of torture in my profession

i have only one thing on my mind and that is to raise fucked up kids so that they can be just like me

i love rosemary chicken sandwich and my blueberry morning cereal

My self portrait:

The perks of being a wallflower

2006-03-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

I had completed this book and i think it is probably the best book i've read in a long time. But i always say that after reading a good book. But i do want to say that it is excellent and that it is really easy to read, that it is, in fact, no different from reading blogs because the entire book consist of anonymous letters from a really sweet young boy named charlie. In so many ways, exploring into and understanding little charlie's world and his psychological problems as it relates to his sad and horrifying past is no different from discovering myself, my own little world and the painful past that i cannot express. And it makes me sad as it reminds me of sad things, but yet happy to have had a chance to share this little world with charlie, even if he only exists in a book. I'd love to share my afterthoughts, but everything i have to say would have already been said by charlie in his letters. I'll quote a rather long paragraph taken from his last letter here.

"I'm not the way i am because of what i dreamt and remembered about my aunt Helen. That's what i figured out when things got quiet And i think that's very important to know. It made things feel clear and together. Don't get me wrong. I know what happened was important. And i needed to remember it. But it's like when my doctor told me the story of these two brothers whose dad was a bad alcoholic. One brother grew up to be a successful carpenter who never drank. The other brother ended up being a drinker as bad as his dad was. When the first brother was asked why he didn't drink, he said that after he saw what it did to his father, he could never bring himself to even try it. When they asked the second brother, he said that he guessed he learned how to drink on his father's knee. So, i guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can stll choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. I think that if i ever have kids, and they are upset, i won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good or bad. .... Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them. .... Because i couldn't help feeling just how much i loved my aunt Helen for buying me two presents. .... But mostly, i was crying because i was suddenly aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if i saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because i was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite."

Aunt Helen (who plays a significant part of charlie's life) had sexually abused charlie when he was young and died in a car accident whilst buying a second birthday present for him.

My next book: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I haven't got it, but i will tomorrow.

On being normal

2006-03-23T11:15:00.000+08:00

I spent the evening yesterday talking to a bucket of Prozac pills resting on my stomach. I told my prozac that my blog is my only friend, that i live in a box, that i'm too afraid to get out, to go drinking and engaging in small talk, that i do want to leave this goddamn box and spend the rest of my life in the real world in an unpretentious way, but that i'm too afraid to do anything and that's why i'm still in my box. It gave me an imaginary glow and promised to wash away my blues. I need to gather my thoughts before my therapy session. I hope it glows even brighter in his/her office. the ingenious one.

I wanted to be normal when i grew up. that's why i got married. we bought a house and a car. he had a fling. i had a breakdown and a bitter divorce and i spent the rest of my life stalking him without realising it and wondering what it is like to be normal. wondering what next as i take an envious peek into my neighbour's nice front porch. WHAT AN IDIOT.

I now understand why people cut or hurt themselves. i really do. that physical pain only serves to absorb and relieve you from the painful sad fuck inside. And i understand the end of that boy's poem.

Favourite game

2006-03-23T06:23:00.000+08:00

I wake this morning with the possibility of disaster in my head. I'm now playing my favourite game - a hundred things i hate about myself. And if you play it right, this game can possibly last for hours, days. And the best thing about the game is, you can play it wherever you like and you don't need another player.

Rosemary chicken

2006-03-22T10:10:00.000+08:00

Since i got up this morning, there is only one thing on my mind. Rosemary chicken sandwich. I am not hungry, i had my blueberry cereal this morning. A piece of goddamn grilled chicken smeared with some-kind-of-berry jam, sandwiched between two slices of foccacia bread. I can see it, i can smell it, i am holding it, and i think i can even taste it. Anything is possible if you believe in it... if you have faith in it. Even in a sandwich. I will probably be paying 75bucks for this piece of quantum physics. Most people have it for free, all you need is faith.

My boss is out of town this week. I must be missing him. I can visualise him on the phone right now. I don't know why Indians are always on the phone. They speak really fast. Who are they talking to? Where are they rushing to? Maybe i should ask my therapist when i am set up with one. I have to write this down to remember when the day comes.

Incidentally, i just received a call from thom yorke, the lead singer from radiohead, about the appointment they've set up for me with the therapist. 75bucks for a session with The Ingenious One.

A poem by Stephen Chbosky

2006-03-22T02:08:00.000+08:00

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back pouch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

I let it get to me again

2006-03-21T15:18:00.000+08:00

I just got ran over by a bus. Or at least it felt like it. Now i'm deciding whether i should tear myself from the ground, shake off the dirt from the tyres and walk away like nothing happened. Or if i should just continue lying squashed on the road and let the rest of the vehicles ride over me. Why did i let it get to me? Why did i cross when i know the bus was coming?

The sky looks like its on fire. I know its not real, i know its make believe. But everywhere i look, i see shimmer, like burning petrol in the sky.

A lightning strikes in comaland

2006-03-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

So, i got struck by a lightning bolt, zig zag and right into my head while i was lying somewhere between the queen sized bed of comaland and the soft sands of some beach in hawaii. For a brief second which really felt like an hour or two, cosmic rays coming from the lightning zigzag's path blinded my eyes. When the blaze finally subsided, i felt like a new person. Or perhaps almost new, other than memories that sticks to me like parasites. And so, i am planning for a new me on my blog. There will be no boring dull posts like "today, i went to the shop". I need to embark on a new project, a new face. But what will i write about?? What else can i write about?

Today, i went to the shop and ordered for a book. My Elvis Blackout by Simon Crump. I hear this guy is quite deranged. And i also bought a book i could take home. The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. Another collection to my unfinished booklist. I also bought a fried chicken wing on my way home. I have never thought of being a vegetarian, but i did think about this poor little thing that vanished so quickly in almost a gobble. Some people (not people in this case) do have it alot worse, as Charlie would say in Wallflower.

Other than that, i have nothing else to say. Apart from having met Thom Yorke, lead singer of Radiohead, at my doctor's office this morning. He tells me that there's nothing wrong with me, but i believe it was just a delusion on my part and so i will not write too much about it. I also received a phone call from someone telling me she's pregnant. I was having a shower and could not quite make out what she said. I don't think i know her, but i congratulated her and she sounded happy. I think it wasn't raining at her end.

And for the rest of the night, i am going to sit by the window and wait for the rain to fall. And if it doesn't rain, i will start on a new project called Rain, you fucker, rain.

Books to read

2006-03-20T12:28:00.000+08:00

Reading as many would know, is one of the very few things i love to do. If only i could spend the rest of my life just reading, and getting paid for it as well. Anyway, while i was happily categorising my posts (for the lack of better things to do), i realised that i have not written many posts about the things that interests me. Which gave me some sort of a brainwave. I'm listing some books below (in no particular order) that i have read and loved dearly. And i ask the kingdom of blog (that's you) to recommend a few good books that you think i should read, be it funny, dark, creative, twisted or surreal, i don't mind (other than books by Dan Brown).

List of books i've read and would recommend:
The perks of being a wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
A Long Way Down - Nick Hornby (and most of his other books as well)
Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
The Wall - Jean Paul Sartre
A Quantity Theory of Insanity - Will Self
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
Platform - Michel Houellebecq
Atomised - Michel Houellebecq
Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnecut
The Stranger - Albert Camus
The Hours - Michael Cunningham
The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
The Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
The Portrait of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde

List of books that have caught my attention (but not bought due to uncertainty):
Vernon God Little - DBC Pierre
Shipping News - Annie Proulx
Atonement - Ian McEwan
Couple of books by Douglas Coupland

I once came across a bookmark which made me smile. On the bookmark, it says "You have read this much of your book, soon you will lose interest in it and the real world will begin to get you down once more". I have another list of books that i have begun but have, for some reason or another, not been able to complete them.

List of unfinished books:
Crime & Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky (am working on this one, its going to go up to the first list)
Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel
The Possibility of an Island - Michel Houellebecq
The World According to Garp - John Irving
Mrs Dalloway - Virginia Woolf
Diary - Chuck Palahniuk
On the Road - Jack Kerouac

And now, its back to my lunch, i'm having rosemary chicken sandwich and a skinny latte.

Yesterday wasn't too bad

2006-03-18T09:05:00.000+08:00

The office is nice, colleagues are nice, as long as you don't know them too well. People can only say nice things when they don't know each other. They engage in small talk and laugh about things that are forgotten the minute they walk out the door. Guess i am not much of a social person. The day lasted longer than i had hope though. Drank alittle more than i had wanted. Woke up with a headache this morning. I'd like to stay in bed the whole day till my flight in the evening, but the hotel would chase me out by lunchtime. So i'd go roam around and hopefully not get lost.

There's a Jack Nicolson & Diane Keaton movie on HBO now and its just fucking stupid. Don't know the title and don't care to know either. Fucking woman, supposedly this independent scriptwriter, who just can't get on fucking feet without a man. And then the fucking couple ends up chasing each other back and forth, fucking idiots. I know i'm probably not making sense of the story here, but thumbs down to this piece of crap, this is exactly the type of movie i dislike. I should change the damn channel and stop complaining. So what am i going to watch next on the plane? Should it be Goodnight, and Good Luck or Capote? Or maybe a book on Crime & Punishment instead. Whatever.

Its odd, i'm feeling pretty lonely right now. No, i guess that isn't odd, i'm always feeling lonely wherever i am. Maybe i should try to get out of bed. Í am after all in a nice hotel in a foreign country. I should try and make the best of it.

And before i go, i just have one last thing to say. People suck, most of them, it is just sad. I say this for a reason that i will not go into right now. Things are never what you see on the surface. I think i'm going to go into a blog coma again. It is probably the safest option available to me. I'm not sure how long my coma will last. As much as i wished, i know i can't live alone in my own world. So i will have my laptop and my book with me (just in case I get bored).

why the fuck

2006-03-18T00:12:00.000+08:00

cant i get into my own blog???? once again, i'm drunke. fucking drunk. fuckgin blog, am going to sleep now. gucking night.

In Hong Kong

2006-03-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

I'm watching David Letterman on tv here in the hotel in Hong Kong. Funny guy, currently making fun of Bush... some suggestions on how President Bush can improve his approval ratings:
1. Advice from Donald Trump, take a new haircut to distract people from blunders
2. Start a war with someone we know we can beat, like Delaware
3. Hire someone like bill gates to hack the computer systems to improve his ratings
4. Add a couple of lesbians in their weekly radio address
Lots more silly ones but i'm alittle lazy to list them.

Thank god i didn't have to sit beside my boss in the plane coz we checked in separately, so didn't get to poison him either. Good or bad, i'm not sure. I hated the plane ride though, hate taking planes in general. Makes me feel vulnerable when i'm in it. But i was impressed when they announced that they had wireless internet access on the plane, so i could surf the net with my laptop. Amazing. And i love the ice-cream served for dessert. I did some reading of my crime and punishment book (the one i have been reading for quite a while now). I've finally reached the crime part and it'll take me god knows how long to reach the punishment part. Anyhow, i watched 'Walk the Line' for rest of the flight. It was fantastic. Inspirational, one with a feel good ending. Not one i would spend time analysing after the movie (which i usually do), but it was so touching and brought tears to my eyes. Made me feel like there is hope in this life, however bleak it may seem... that you'll eventually find joy in this world if you could just hang on to the very end. I'm glad i finally watched it, been wanting to for awhile now. And yes, Joaquin Phoenix did great in the movie.

Have to meet my boss tomorrow morning 8am. Too early. I feel like i could spend the entire day just rotting away in the hotel. It's nice and cosy in here. The bathtub looks enticing, i'd love to spend sometime soaking in there. Too late to take my ami tonight. Not sure if can sleep, especially when its a new and unfamiliar environment. Can't wait for tomorrow to end, it'd be very tiring putting up my fronts and being social all day. I'd usually feel exceptionally lonely during such events. Like most other events, i guess i will get by eventually.

Almost 7am

2006-03-16T06:51:00.000+08:00

and i think i'm finally going to get out of bed to pack. So i'd have to take the morning off to do this stupid thing, and of course enjoy a couple more hours with my little kitty. Doesn't matter, think my boss has given up on me anyway. It just seems so hard to get out of bed this morning. I dread going on this trip, albeit short. I need to bring a book to block my boss's face out during the flight. It's one of those flights that are not too long, yet not short enough. So i can't exactly sleep (or at least pretend to). Maybe i could watch a movie or something, if there is any.

I'd imagine having lots of hands to shake, dumb jokes to laugh at and fronts to put up over the next 2 days or so. What fucked up fun it will be. This isn't good, i'm sounding like a real snob myself. I'd like to take a long holiday and visit my harley friend in moscow. He talks in his emails of the countryplace that he drives up to every weekend and they sound almost like heaven to me. I can just imagine me sitting by the fireplace with my laptop and some accompanying music. I'm dreaming again aren't i? The grass on the other side is somehow always greener. I'd just have to learn to appreciate the beauties that i'm surrounded with.

I'm probably going to bring my laptop, so i could sneak a blog or two while in the hotel. I love it too much (or my little home and the friends inside it), to leave it alone for afew days. I have not taken my ami in the last 3 days, i think. Just thought i could sleep on my own. Well, i did but not as much as i had hoped to. So with or without ami, i'm probably destined to feel tired everyday anyway. I just can't win, can i? For some odd reason, my body's aching all over this morning as well.

I'm gonna miss smoochie.

Emotional wreck

2006-03-15T20:59:00.000+08:00

That's what i am today, again. So what's new?

I have to pack for tomorrow's trip, but i can't move. I need sleep.

I don't have anything else to say here.

101 thoughts about me

2006-03-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

~ Inspired by Lisa ~

1. i got out of bed today
2. unproductive in the morning
3. fucking busy in the afternoon
4. i'm physically and mentally tired
5. i'm depressed and usually want to hide in one corner of the room and rot away, sometimes suicidal
6. i do not want to take my meds
7. i didn't take them yesterday
8. i love my dad
9. and i hate him too
10. i hate my boss
11. he likes to put his legs up on his desk
12. i pushed him out of window but the glass just wouldn't break, in my little imaginary world
13. i can't understand a word he says
14. i have problems looking at him in his eyes
15. i fall asleep reading the news
16. i have a tattoo of a scorpio (no one agrees with me on that)
17. i am very close to my sister
18. i can't remember how my brother looks like anymore
19. i hate everyone else in my family
20. including myself
21. i'm not sure if i should take my ami tonight
22. i hate nightmares, but they love to feed on my brain
23. i'm chatting with lisa right now on yahoo
24. i'm 162cm tall and weighs about 48kg
25. i am relatively small built
26. i have short hair
27. brown eyes
28. i'm not wearing a bra right now
29. my breast sags i think
30. i'm 30, but i feel like 60
31. i just told lisa that i'm happy when she posts
32. i have a belly ring that i never bother to change
33. i love cult, inde, alternative movies
24. i love analysing movies after watching them
25. i love books by houellebecq, kundera, sartre & lots more
26. i think of strangling people on the streets or in trains all the time
27. i'm a procrastinator
28. i'm divorced once
29. my parents are gone
30. i love my laptop and friends in it
31. i'm surrounded by people in the day, but i'm lonely
32. i had relationships with both sexes (i'm a confused kid)
33. i drove a close friend to suicide
34. i hate myself since
35. i've been abused in whatever sick ways by the people who are supposed to be closest to me
36. my sheets are blue in color with cool gigantic flowery patterns
37. if i had the talent and blah, i would love to make a film or write a book
38. i cannot remember what i wrote earlier or if i am repeating myself
39. i'm going to hong kong on thursday
40. i'm dreading the 4-hr trip with my arrogant prickily boss
41. i wonder if i'll be sleeping tonight
42. i can't remember my next pdoc appointment
43. i had lunch with 2 pregnant ladies today
44. if i dont get knocked down my a bus, i'm going to be a single mom one day
45. my sister hasn't called in awhile
46. i'm the poorest in the family
47. i have one kitty, she's such a purr machine
48. Used to have two. They both died after my marriage.
49. i'm on 40mg prozac and 50mg ami
40. i have sleepy eyes
41. i think my number sequence is mixed up
42. i learnt to play the guitar and the keyboard while in uni, but sucked real bad
53. my brother is an asshole, he haunts me till this day and i'm afraid to face him now
56. they're both doctors
57. i might poison my boss's drink with my cat's poo
58. i dated a married guy for quite awhile
59. they never had kids, although that info was irrelevant
60. i had sex in different areas of my office several times
61. and in my client's offices too (i trust they never had built-in cameras)
62. i dropped a necklace while doing it in a client's meeting room
63. embarassed when it got returned to me
64. i miss australia so much
65. i miss my sister, its so lonely here
66. my phone's ringing tone is set to the lemon tree song
67. my dad didnt say goodbye, i miss him
68. i used to scuba dive
69. i puked once underwater and the fishes helped themselves to my semi-digested lunch
70. i've never had sex with more than one person at one time
71. i hired a private investigator and caught my ex on camera in bed with his colleague (it was my bloody bed as well)
72. i have 7 ear-holes, 2 closed by now
73. i didn't let my mom leave in peace
74. i'm scattered brain
75. i would like to have some brownies with ice-cream now
76. i can't ride a bicycle
77. i went skiing and paramedics had to come to my rescue
78. i've not cleaned the apartment since i first stepped in
79. coffee & cigarettes are my daily essentials
80. i'm tired, from doing this
81. my mom says i'm a waste of space & i'm determined to prove her right
82. i take propranolol every morning and afternoon to stop my hands from shaking
83. i am sexually deprived
84. i hate most people
85. i have low self-esteem and i think i'm a loser
86. i'm lonely, but somehow my life goes on and on and on...
87. i'm prone to migraines
88. my greatest talent is to whine and complain, sometimes bitch
89. lisa has gone to meet sean and i still haven't finished this. why did i start in the first place?
90. i'm afraid to do many things in life
91. i think most marriages will fail eventually; its sometimes more an issue of your threshold for acceptance or denial
92. i can finally see light at the end of this tunnel
93. i'm currently reading dostoevsky, i have been for a long time
94. i like playing around with my blog
95. my future kid will have a name starting with the "k" alphabet
96. i'm still eating my blueberry morning cereal everymorning
97. i can't believe i made friends on the internet
98. i wished i had a more uplifting and interesting blog
99. my best sex ever was with a greek boyfriend in uni. i miss that
100. if i could turn back the clock, i'm not sure if my life would have been any different
101. all i want is to look forward to waking up to a new day

i can't believe i finished this. this is the power of prozac, without amitriptyline.

On Acceptance

2006-03-14T11:40:00.000+08:00

There’re things that just are. The earth is round; the sun is above us and the earth under our feet. When you stand on your head, it's the other way around. The sun comes up over the east and goes down towards the west.

There're things you cannot change. You can't stop the earth from spinning, you can't change the tides, and sometimes you can't stop feeling a certain way towards a person, even if it is not going anywhere, or if it is not going the way you'd like it to go. You still can't stop feeling the way you feel. You may not like it, but you just accept it. You accept the feelings you have; you accept the hurt that comes along with it. You accept because you know there is no alternative.

You know you won't die of it, you know you'll keep getting up every morning, showering, getting dressed and going to work. You will inhale and exhale and you will play pretend to the rest of the world.

You know you cannot please everyone. You know there will always be people who will think you unfit, unbecoming, un-whatever. You're not intelligent enough to join the elite group, and you're too clever to hang around with the local yokels. You're too old to be a child and you're too short to be tall. You don't belong to any club; you don't hang out with any group of people anymore. The only people you sometimes hang around with are different from you; sometimes they accept you for who you are and vice versa. It can't be changed; sometimes things are just the way they are.

You accept that what you want, you cannot have. You accept that some things are simply not meant to be - or in your own case - never ever at all, not if hell freezes over, not with the sheep coming home. You accept you're the odd one out, you accept you can't change yourself to the point where no one will notice. You've tried that once, not being able to be yourself, but it doesn’t work and you quit trying after a few years.

You accept. You let it all wash over you, pass through you, you keep where you are, inhaling, exhaling, you sleep every once in a while and time is slowly ticking away. You accept. You don't have to like it, but you accept. You don't have to have the same opinion, but you accept that of others. You don't have to feel the same way, you accept others' feeling. You're brutalizing yourself, you accept the reasons why you do that.

You accept and you'll survive.

Birthday anniversary

2006-03-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

It was my mommy's birthday anniversary yesterday. Obviously i had let it get to me, even though there is no reason to since she's already long gone and i cannot undo some of the things that have already been done. But memories haunt me in the form of nightmares and i couldn't find a way out of it. I'm reminded of some very ugly things that had happened in the past and i know i can never really forget them. However i may try to suppress them, they sometimes float up from my subconsciousness and take a toll on me. I have kept them to myself because i am somewhat embarassed talking about it to others. Perhaps i need to let it out in order to let it go.

In the last one week, i have been having nightmares of being violated by my brother. After so many years, i have stopped questioning and learnt to block out this experience and let go. I hate my mom for abusing me as a child and for not having believed me when i was sexually abused by my brother and his friends. My dad said he believed me, but i hate him for not having done more than just hug me and said i was going to be alright. I hate him for having stood by and watch as i get hit for making up stories to gain attention. There was no one i could turn to and i had learnt, as a child, that the easiest way through a less painful life is to keep quiet and let things be. I had understood how painful it is to confront reality and fight against all odds. I had realised that there is no justice, fairness, reason or honesty in this world. That you are either lucky or you are not. You are either accepted and loved or you are not. And if you are not, you are probably never going to be. I grew up with so much anger in me that i refused to look at my mom even when she was at the brink of death. But it has tormented me since. I don't know what i should or should not have done and i don't know who i do or do not love. If i could turn back the clock, i don't know what i should or should not have done to make things any different. I have thought about this all too often but there are no answers. All i want is to move on, to let go and forget. Can i ever?

If i were truly homest

2006-03-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

If I were truly honest, this is how i will respond to anyone asking me the question "how are you?": Every day i wake up and feel smothering agony. More and more i feel that living is like being trapped in a jar. I have made a promise i do not think i can keep. I have seen great beauty, and tried to create it myself. I have loved with the greatest power i have, and it was not enough to save me. I am overwhelmed with the darkest thoughts. I am a skilled actor, smiling and appearing fine, but it has taken a toll on me and i am exhausted. I have tried to fix myself: I have seen doctors, taken pills, meditated, tried to change the way i think. I feel tremendous relief and understanding when i read about others who took matters into their own hands, who could no longer live on this earth. I am ashamed that i feel like this but i cannot deny its power over me. I never want to hurt anyone i love, but sometimes i am afraid that i will. I wish that i am not like this. I wish things are simpler. And these will be my honest answers.

I have been having dreams of the same kind over the last few days. There are some things i will never recover from, ever. You know what they are. Happy birthday, mom.

Kill someone

2006-03-08T07:16:00.000+08:00

UUURRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I need to let it out, kill someone, knock my head against the wall or something, whatever the fuck i need to let out. This is what i've fucking woken up to. I'm going no where, i'm missing the point of it all. And no, writing this isn't helping! In fact its hindering. I'm blogging off and leaving it alone for awhile.

Catch-22s

2006-03-07T21:55:00.000+08:00

Catch-22 : Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Everyday, i tell myself that i can't wait for the weekend to come, and when it finally does, i get all depressed, stay curled up in bed and drive myself totally crazy.
I can't stand being awake, but yet i fear getting to sleep.
I'm depressed so i go on medication. My medication makes me alot less productive (feeling tired at work all the time), so i need to explain it to my boss. My boss kicks me out of my job since i'm mentally unfit and i get more depressed. I end up with no money to pay for my medication. And then i get fucking depressed.
I'd like to be a trader at work, but i don't have the experience. And without the experience, they'll ever take me in as one. But if i don't get hired as one, i'd never gain the experience.
My laptop screwed up earlier, my explorer just wouldn't open for a long time. And my computer became too slow. The slower it got, the harder and longer it took for my application to open, hanging my computer even more. So i re-boot. And this is what got me thinking about catch-22.

On a lighter note, this is the new Aussie tourism commercial, called "where the bloody hell are you?" --> link: where the bloody hell are you? <-- Why is the binkini girl smiling as she asks the bloody hell question? And why do i care? Oh well, i just thought she should be looking all upset or something.

78th academy awards

2006-03-06T22:06:00.000+08:00

The 78th annual academy awards. That's what i'm watching right now. And i think i just heard jon say "death to smoochie". i think that must be some long ago movie... this guy's pretty funny, just love the way he tells his jokes... love the way they start the introductions too. Unlikely the rest of the stars who pretty much just read their scripts aloud. I was actually waiting for desperate housewives to come on, but obviously got the wrong day or time. But i'd like watching the oscars, although i already know the bloody results. Crap that i haven't watched crash... wonder if its as good as it sounds. Eww.... george clooney... someone else should have gotten that best supporting actor award. I wouldn't mind that gay cowboy in brokeback mountain... whatever his name is... i thought he did pretty well... and his other aussie partner too, heath ledger, i think his name is. I thought jonathan rhys meyers did really well in match point, and i loved that film too... should have gotten something at least.

Anyway, another really crappy day at work, shan't write about it, only serves to spoil the joy of the oscars... i'll blog about something happier. The pallet kitty litter doesn't do so well with kitty poo. In fact, it doesn't do anything with it. So the entire room smells of shit when i came in, although smoochie only poo-ed once. I cleared the crap immediately but the smell lingered alittle longer than i had hoped. Ok, that ain't exactly happier news... Oh geez, look at tom hanks hairdo.... cheesy. Ben stiller's funny, but in a silly way though. Anyway, back to my kitty, i love to watch my kitty play soccer with her green book band... and she insist on having the green thing on the bed. I'd throw it on the floor 10 times and watch her go pick it up everytime and bring it back to the bed, afterwhich she'll sit on it for alittle while... such a cutie. Oooh, dolly parton... haven't heard from her in years... and just look at that bloody figure of hers at that age, how the hell does she do it... pardon me, i know my thoughts are scattered all over, hopping between my kitty and the tv. I'm getting distracted everytime the oscars come on after all the crappy commercials.

Oh shit, just remembered to take my ami... gotta take it early or i won't be able to wake up on time tomorrow. Okay, done. This saturday's my mom's birthday. Its funny how i could never remember her b'day when she was alive... or i never bothered to... but i somehow remember them now that she's gone. Its been almost two years now... not sure what i'd be doing on that day, most likely sleeping i guess. Oh well, shall remember to look out for crash when i get the time, and of course the mood too.

Update: Its 1230am and i'm falling asleep from my ami... and best film is not up yet... fucking commercials, stretched the damn oscars for more than 2 hours. Although, i already know the results, i have no idea why i bother staying up just to hear them say those magical words "and the oscar goes to..." ooh, eyelids heeeaaavy...

Personality disorder test

2006-03-05T20:10:00.000+08:00

So i decided to take a personality disorder test, just for the fun of it. Not sure if any of it is accurate, but its food for thought nevertheless. It's a long list of questions to answer and really, some of which took abit of thinking, even though it was only a 'yes' or 'no' answer. Not exactly comforting to know that i'm either 'high' or 'very high' on most of the disorders. I must have hit too many of those 'yes' buttons.

Anyhow, back to my boring weekend. After an entire night without much sleep, i decided to take my ami this morning and sleep the day away. And so i did, slept from 9am to 5pm. I did wake up at about 12pm for some strange reason. Must have been a dream i was having that woke me up, but i went back to sleep shortly after feeling groggy and i had some trouble getting to the toilet to pee without knocking into things. Woke up feeling lethargic, obviously from having slept so much, and alittle hungry, so i went out and grabbed myself something to eat. I'm gonna try and read alittle now. I'm currently reading crime and punishment by dostoevsky. It's heavy reading stuff, and with my poor concentration, i've taken a long time to read only a small section of it. And in afew hours, i'd be back to sleep again since i do have to work tomorrow. Sleeping in the day really screws up your schedule.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Not good

2006-03-04T23:49:00.000+08:00

It was supposed to be a good day. Everything started off fine. I did what i wanted to do today. I bought some pallet style kitty litter, but smoochie doesn't seem to know what its for. I even went for a foot and back massage. And so i was doing pretty ok. Until i fell asleep when i got home and i saw my mom. She was screaming at the top of her voice. She wants to throw my cat down the canal. I think she wants me dead too. Maybe thats a good idea afterall.

I think i'll give my ami a miss today. Don't really feel like sleeping. Something is ringing in my ear and it won't go away. And now my night is fucked up. I'm just going to lie here and wait for smoochie to pee.

Silly, embarassed

2006-03-04T11:00:00.000+08:00

I feel somewhat silly from my previous post. Not quite sure why i wrote all that stupid stuff and with such preposterous typo too. I'm embarassed, to be more accurate. So obviously i kinda drank myself silly last night and felt like i had ruled the world or something. Although i must say, it wasn't a bad feeling, definitely better than feeling like i'm underneath it. I hit the pub to get myself high, perhaps it was the prozac that gave me the motivation to take up the offer. But right now, i'm getting the ugly side of it, the headache bit.

Apart from that, i think the ami has been making me feel tired most of the time. Perhaps i spend alot of time fighting this drained feeling, now i hardly feel like killing myself or someone elses. Other than my neighbour prick at work. And he's found himself another companion prick sitting behind me, who likes to bang his phone after yelling into it. My workplace has a pretty depressing setting, i must say. Sitting beside me, a black and long faced boss, looking like the world owes him something and behind me, another one who speaks like the world has gone deaf. If i could take over this damn world, i would love to see the two of them slap each other a hundred times, in the butt or in the face, i don't really care. The neighbour prick asked me the other day, if i was enjoying my job. Guess what i said? I shoved my ass in the face of honesty and said it is just great! I'm a bitch, aren't i? Speaking and judging at the back of others. I guess i'd rather imagine two pricks slapping themselves silly, than beat myself up over my loser life.

So, i'm gonna try to do something today. Maybe i'll take a stroll to the pet shop to get some kitty litter. I might need to trolley or something to carry that heavy stuff. Well, gotta take care of my master. And maybe i'll go for a massage, i'm aching all over. But first, i'm gonna say hi to my fellow bloggers. It sure has been a long time.

Fucking pizzed

2006-03-04T01:18:00.000+08:00

Fucking piszed.. no one can fucxk with me right now for i'm so fucking gone... i'm in ny zone and i have all the fucking power in this world. dont even come near me. i dont care who you aare or what you do.. i dont give a fuck.. i am now in my world and i am lost but i dont give a fuck.. fucking keyoaqrd, fucking internet. No one can fool me coz i'm am drunk. no one can save me, so go away. fuckadie fuck. no one can fuck wig me. no one. where the fuck am i, somewhere between my heads nad my mouth. fucking alcohol and ami is no god, i'm going to bed. goodnught tiny. tinie winie me fucledl. see you guys somtime somewthere.

Tired, exhausted

2006-03-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

Oh God, i worked till late today and i am tired, and i have nothing (of interest) to say. I could pad out a post telling you how my morning went since i took the morning off and how wonderful it felt. And what i did at work that kept me so late. And how i just hate sitting right beside my boss all day. And what i have to put up with or listen to the entire time. And what sort of state the apartment is in, the apartment that i come home to everyday. And how long i have to spend sitting on the couch to scratch smoochie before she lets me go. And how floaty i've been feeling today. And how i have been eating shit for the whole week. And how i look and feel like shit. And how i hate taking meds to make me happy, yet fuck me up. And how tomorrow i will try to find some happiness back into my life, with or without them. And how i want to visit my buddy blogs so much... but am struggling to find any energy and concentration to do so. And how i am looking forward to the weekend. And how this really isn't the way to live... wishing for the weekend. And how the weekend will probably suck anyway.

2006-03-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling spacey and floaty all day or maybe its foggy, i don't know. I'm not sure if anyone understands what that really means. I've been feeling tired and sick as well. Maybe its my meds having a war somewhere inside my body, probably in the head. My nose is all stuffed up and runny at the same time. And i sat at my desk, hardly moved around and i imagined myself floating around, even floating out of the window, down 16 storeys and into the streets. Its kind of weird. Maybe its the mix of prozac, amitriptyline and propranolol attacking my head and my immune system. Maybe i'm reacting to all my meds. Whatever it is i'm feeling right now, it can't be good. And right now, i cannot breathe, nose is all blocked up. And i have this thing about blowing my nose too. I can't seem to blow it, or rather i don't really know how to. So its just stuck. And its runny too. The sides are fucking red and sore from all that endless friction from wiping off my snots. Maybe i should just let that yucky stuff run, since its gonna run however i wipe it off. Just like my desk, forget about cleaning it since i'm gonna mess it up again anyway or forget about taking a shower since i'm probably gonna get dirty again later. My eyes feels sore and stuffed too. And I don't like this floaty feeling, almost like i could black out, particularly in the morning. There you go, i made a vow not to whine and complain on my blog all the time. I shouldn't have bothered really. Anyway, i have been sleeping sufficiently, perhaps too much. I have difficulties waking up in the mornings. I can't imagine what it'll be like if he increases my ami the next time round. I think i'd have to negotiate for an afternoon shift at work, not a good idea. I think i'll take the morning off tomorrow.

Has my smoochie grown alittle bigger now? She loves to sit on my laptop, its nice and warm perhaps. Wonder if smoochie gets depressed from hanging around me so much.

2006-02-27T22:03:00.000+08:00

Tiny reporting... went to the pdoc... nice chap, not handsome but at least friendly... he's doubled my prozac and gave me amitriptyline (why am i not surprised)... i've taken my extra dose of prozac in the afternoon... and taken my ami at 10pm... expecting myself to fall asleep in an hour's time when my ami takes effect... i shall be good and take all my meds accordingly... unless i get hit by a bus or i don't wake up one fine day. I guess i'm still depressed but at least i'm not actively thinking of killing myself... although i really wouldn't mind not waking up tomorrow. Unfortunately i still don't have much energy to go blog visiting, neither do i have much concentration to do any reading. So i'm just gonna lie here till i fall asleep. Perhaps the doctor's appointment has worn me out... i hate going to the doctor's... almost like taking an exam, i feel all tensed up until its over and then i feel mentally and physically exhausted... or perhaps its just work, sitting at my desk and looking out of the window most of the time, perhaps that can be somewhat tiring too.

Do you have days when you feel too tired to play with your cats... or dogs or pets or whatever you'd usually play with... i feel that way tonight... i'm not letting smoochie in my room because i feel like i need to lie here alone... or perhaps i lack the energy to play with her... i have to remember to take my prozac tomorrow morning. Sometimes i forget to take my propranolol and my heart ends up beating so fast and my hands tremble when i'm in the office... i should have a system that helps me remember... maybe i'll hang my meds on my door knob so i'll see it everytime i leave the room... or perhaps leave my meds beside my blueberry morning cereal, like a little girl who lay all her things neatly and all excited and ready to go to school the next morning... too troublesoome, maybe i'll just take them all now so i don't need to care about remembering or forgetting... no, i'm not thinking of doing anything silly, i'm just alittle sleepy and should really...you know, so goodnight and sweet dreams.

2006-02-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

I haven't felt like blogging in days. Haven't felt like doing anything in fact. I don't know what has changed. Has things around me been different, or is it just me? I think it must be me, i'm changing, my perspective in life, the things i do, the way i look at things, they're all changing. Sometimes i dont recognise the things i used to know so well. I feel like i'm deteriorating, my mind, my body, soul, everything. I feel like giving up. I've been hiding, thinking and just driving myself crazy. I'm so tired of doing that, i want to either fall asleep forever or wake from this living nightmare. Maybe smoochie and myself can just drown ourselves in a wakeless sleep. I've been on valium all day and night and my brain is dying off. I don't know why i keep waking up. Why do i hate myself so much that i keep running away from myself? I'm having a headache right now. I wish someone could hug me real tight and cry with me. And tell me that everything's going to be okay.

2006-02-22T09:40:00.000+08:00

I keep hearing the sea breeze, with waves crashing against soft sand and it seems to be coming from outside. I look around but see nothing outside but skyscrapers all around, tall against the seemingly warm sunlight. I must be hearing things, there wouldn't be any sea breeze, not at least from where i'm sitting, right in the middle of the working city. The day has hardly started and i know its gonna be a bad day. I know i've lost half the battle by feeling this way, but i wish i could feel otherwise. Its just not a good day to be sitting here at my desk, i should really be some place else, hiding away, seeing and speaking with no one.

If i am on the 16th floor, how many seconds would it take for me to hit the ground? I don't know. If only i could open the damn windows to find out.

2006-02-20T21:21:00.000+08:00

Adrian called me today to say he's going out with this new girl, and she was even attached when they started going out. He says he wanted me to know because he feels he owes me an explanation. And he wants to know how i felt. There's no reason why i should feel anything about this at all. No reason why i should feel happy, sad or even disappointed. No reason whatsoever.

Ever had a day or a moment when you feel like you need a hug from someone real bad? Doesn't have to be someone close, just a simple comforting hug, to say that there's someone there. That's exactly how i feel right now. But there's no one here, no one at all.

2006-02-20T05:11:00.000+08:00

And so i did watch Brokeback Mountain. In the spur of a moment, i decided not to care about tomorrow and catch a midnight movie. And i did. I came home with an unsettling mind, and decided i had to write it to get it off. Perhaps its the feeling of regret that i share and how that can destroy our lives. This feelng may not be regret about a missed loved one, but also missed opportunities, missed dreams....missed because of our own fears about failure or expectations of what you are supposed to become....expectations from family/friends/society. In the end, a life of regret becomes a stabbing loneliness of the soul, and that is a life of aching misery. Self-loathing, distance and towering regret because he couldn't give himself over to his own feelings without the fear of judgement. He watches his life fall apart, his heart withers and die. Who has lived a life without regrets?

2006-02-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

I've been hiding away for a couple of days, just wrapped in my own little unmotivated world. Whether it was a workday or a weekend, didn't make much difference, i didn't feel like blogging much. Most of my weekend had passed with me just lying in bed with smoochie, sometimes sleeping, sometimes filled with thoughts, mostly irrational regardless of the amount of rest i've had throughout the day. I spend a large amount of time in this dark room, sometimes with my desk lamp on, other times off. Now its on, since i've decided to spend some time on the internet and i see two or three flies hovering around the light. The same flies i sometimes see when i open the kitty litter cover to scoop up smoochie's clumps. I just hate those flies, i hate it when i feel like they're taking over my room. But they're too tiny for smoochie to destroy them. Smoochie's such a baby, she's having a comfortable time just sitting on top of me, watching my fingers type away on the keyboard. I do like it when she doesn't try to fight for the keyboard, just so she could sit on it with her nasty butt.

So its a sunday evening again. The worst two days of the week, sunday and monday. I'm thinking of getting out of bed finally. For some strange reason, I'm thinking of going out to catch 'Brokeback Mountain', the movie, even if its a midnight one. I know, i'm alittle odd. I stay in bed all day, when i really could have gone for that movie. But instead, i think of watching it when i should really be going to sleep. So, what the fuck? Oh well, since when am i 'normal' like everyone else anyway? So, before i change my mind, i've got to fucking book that ticket online. Fuck tomorrow, fuck work, fuck my boss (ewww..), fuck my fucking endless cold. I guess i'm just tired of fucking hiding in that little world of mine, watching flies and kittens, and rationalising about life or the lack of it.

I hope teressa's doing well in the hospital. I hope she'll be back home soon. And back on the internet too. And before i go look for my online tics, i must say that i love my smoochie, i think she understands what i'm typing here. She seems to be reading this intellectually as i type.

2006-02-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

What do i do all day in the office? Well, i go into the offce at 830, look at what's going on with the markets and what mess the traders have created the day before, and then take a conference call at 9 to report that i've been doing my job. After which i prepare for my daily reporting stuff which is pretty simple, routine and kills a couple of hours of my day and then, i spend the rest of the day reading the financial news on reuters. Sometimes i write reports on weekly or daily events happening in the regional market or other project papers as and when they arise. Today, the news is all about Bernanke this, Bernanke that, his name appears in almost all the financial headlines and the world hangs on to every word that he says. I can just imagine how much pressure he must feel having such power, although he's perhaps enjoying it as it is probably second nature to him. Sometimes i read the news as my eyelids weigh heavy over my eyes. Not sometimes, most of the time. If you ask me, i don't give a fuck, i hardly read the papers or watch the news when i'm at home. If you ask me again, in fact, i hardly do anything when i'm at home. Perhaps just dwell into my own emptiness in bed. So isn't my job just fantastic, with the added flavour of the look on my boss's arrogant face and his occasional banging of his desk or phone just next to mine.

And that's it, my boring office day ends. I come home and lay in bed, awaiting to repeat what i've done today, tomorrow. Same shit, so will someone please shoot me.

2006-02-15T21:26:00.000+08:00

I always start a post and i can't finish it, and i'll always save it as draft but never end up posting it onto my blog. Lots of unfinished posts, simply because it takes a long time for me to write anything and because it takes too long and too much energy, i always keep the post for later, which never happens. Like right now, after that sentence, i just stopped and i had nothing else to say and i feel like clicking that "Save as Fucking Draft" and chucking that laptop away. But i'm not going to, i have too many DRAFTS. Too many.

I called for my pdoc appointment today. Finally. Its on the 27th. Its good that i'm writing this down in here... there is a high possibility i'll forget the date again even if its only a week away. I'm not sure if its intentional. I certainly do hate doctors or taking meds. In fact, there're so many things i hate, like i hate coming home to an empty space where i talk to myself or my computer or my cat, and i hate arrogant pricks, and i hate having to think of what to do, what to eat, what to say, what to this and what to that. I could go on forever, i hate this, and that and blah blah blah. I don't know how i got to this. And i really don't have any point to make here. I'm just waiting for my smoochie to tire herself out with the green velcro book band i found from nowhere. She's got all the energy i wish i had. It'll be bedtime for me once she's done with her chasing, and that is, if i can fall asleep at all.

I have a box of some of my dad's stuff. I don't know why i shipped them here, but i'm not going to open it and look through it. Call me a loser who can't put the past behind me, whatever. I am not going to touch it. I don't even know why they're here and i don't know why i'm even thinking about this. Smoochie needs to stop running about, she needs to sleep. I need to sleep. Okay, i'm giving her another 5 mins. I'm going to have another cigarette. And i'm going to post this.

My cat loves me.

2006-02-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

FUCKING NOT DEAD... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

2006-02-10T22:21:00.000+08:00

where's everyone? ok, i know, everyone's still out there. i'm the lost one. i should be asking myself that question instead.

And please tell me why my body chose the bloody weekend to fall sick? I was hoping to fall sick everyday of the working week so i could have the greatest excuse not to get out of bed and yes, i finally did, when the weekend came.

2006-02-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

I'm going to get some sleep tonight, i know i am, i can feel it creeping up to me already. Left the office later than usual today. Came home, fed my little master and cleared her poo, had a shower and now i'm all ready to go to bed. I'm not gonna lie in bed and think about anything tonight because i am going to be sound asleep. I'm gonna turn on the air condition, go to bed and dream of something pretty, something sweet, something nice. Yesterday's dream sucks but tonight's gonna be a good one. I don't know why, but that is all i hope for. Tomorrow is another day, i don't know what it'll bring, but i'll think about it when it comes. I miss chatting with my cyber-friends, i feel like i've lost touch with most of you. I hope i'll catch up soon. I hope i'll get through this.

2006-02-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

Smoochie's asleep on my lap and i'm sitting at my desk. This is the first time since i've been here that i'm actually sitting at my desk with my laptop and it's really because i've some work to do tonight. Last few days hasn't been good for me, i haven't been cleaning after smoochie as much as i probably should and this little sweetie deserves someone better. I've also been plagued with home allergies, watery eyes and runny nose. And as usual, i've been exhausted and i haven't had the energy to blog about how crappy i was feeling. Life is short and every moment of it is supposed to be treasured and lived to the fullest. But yet, my every waking moment is such a dreaded disappointment, i live in darkness and am almost a living dead and it is such a waste of life's precious energy. Someone else could have had better use of it.

I'm not going to get much sleep tonight, i have to finish this paper, my boss wants it tomorrow. I didn't get much sleep last night either. How can i live feeling like this everyday?

2006-02-05T05:50:00.000+08:00

"How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there is no help in the truth."

I lie here all night, thinking of this, of truth and deception, of control over our own lives and the element of luck, of the morality of man and their animal instincts, and am writing in an attempt to break out of it. I look at myself many years ago and wonder if i wanted to fly out of myself even then. I remember being despondent so much of the time. I was terrified by my own family, i never felt in control of my own life and i never understood the meaning of love and truth. I remember a constant gray sky, although that can't be accurate. Today when walking back from pet shop, i thought to myself that maybe the only possible way for me to survive these depressions is to leave myself behind, like a bird that can fly thousands of miles high in the sky. Leave myself behind, because almost all the time now i find basic existence so torturous that if i think about it for too long, i cry.

I want to make a vow that i would not complain any longer on this blog and i want to mean it this time. But do not see this as a complaint. I'm not complaining, i'm just reporting. I'm reporting about how i feel.

2006-02-04T13:04:00.000+08:00

I've driven my little smoochie mad... i bought her a kitty collar, and for awhile there, she got obsessed with whatever that is dangling on her neck. But i think she's kinda gotten used to it now. So i'll know where she's hiding when i get home from work. Sometimes i fear when i'm not around, that she'll jump of the window ledge and get lost. My kitty is getting me out of bed, i had to go buy her food and a new pack of kitty litter. Its a good thing there's a pet shop close by.

I'm having a cigarette now and smoochie avoids me when i smoke. She'll either hide behind my laptop or go lie on the scratch post platform. I might end up giving my smoochie cancer or some sort from second hand smoke. Last night, i was feeling crappy. My head felt like a mess and my body was totally weak. I popped 2 xanax and went to sleep, and woke up at 4ish. Took another one and slept again. And this morning i woke up frustrated. I don't quite know why. But smoochie wanted to eat and i had ran out of food in general. Didn't think she could eat cereal, so i had to get out of bed to get her some food and kitty litter. Okay, i think i'm repeating myself. My head still feels like a mess. I think i'm gonna try to sleep some more. I only worked 3 days last week and it felt like a bloody month. Think i might not be able to hold out for much longer. I'm mentally too weak i think. And i'm out of propranolol and my heands keeps shaking. I just hate that, lots of typonese, keep having to use the backspace. I need more xanax i think. Was it diazepam i had or xanax i had last night? Geez, i can't remember. Such a mess, i am in.

2006-02-03T10:56:00.000+08:00

Didn't get to update my blog last night. Wasn't feeling fantastic, bad day although nothing significant really happened. Just one of those down days. My little kitty did help take some attention off by running up and down the room and subsequently purring next to me. I've decided to change her name to smoochie early this morning while chatting with Lisa. Sorry i missed everyone in the chat. Tried going in but i think my office bans all chatrooms. I haven't been sleeping too well these couple of days, i think, i don't know. I hope i'll feel better over the weekend. Its a friday afterall. I miss curling in bed. I think i need that now with my smoochie. Sounds like smoothie.

2006-02-02T09:41:00.000+08:00

Oh, sitting here just sucks. I hate my neighbour and his condescending look. Sometimes i wish i could just stretch my left arm out and give him a good fucking punch. But what do i end up doing? I turn around and give him a good fucked up smile. Urgh! The things we have to do for a living.

2006-02-01T21:10:00.000+08:00

Another blurry picture of her on my lap with my camera phone. I've been taken over, made slave to my little bebe. Last night, she came and slept by my side, she was so sweet, purring away. And i fell asleep as well. And in the middle of the night, she crawled on top of me and just slept there. That of course woke me up and i couldn't move for the rest of the night with her on top of me. The next morning, my body was totally stiff when i went to work. Now, she's just running and jumping all around the room, occasionally using my keyboard as a platform. I wanted to blog before going to bed last night but i couldn't because she just kept interrupting. Oh, now i'm finally experiencing what i often hear "typing around the cat". I'm just waiting for her to get tired. Okay, now she's got all my letters on the floor. She's practicing her jumping skills, occasionally toppling things over. I'm glad my bed's clean today and i can just lie here and watch her entertain herself. Okay, she definitely needs a scratch post, she's clawing on my bed now. Actually i think she's taken over my blog too. At least for awhile, i guess.

2006-01-31T22:22:00.000+08:00

Okay, got the mattress cleaned and sheets changed. Brought her couple of times to the kitty litter. I did see her peeing in it once, so i hope that means she'll continue to do so in the future. She's been very active, jumping around, exploring the place, playing with anything she sees, even th newspapers where her food is. She's no longer hiding behind the desk anymore. She's now asleep on a small little cushion i've set aside for her. She purrs when i pat her while she sleeps. She's such a sweetie. I haven't been able to take any clearer picture of her because my camera phone sucks in its resolution and i haven't got any other cameras. But if i do get a clear shot of her, i'll definitely post it. I dread going to work tomorrow, i'm sure i'll be missing her the whole day. The whole going to work and facing that arrogant prick is starting to set in for me. It's good i have little bebe to get me through my day. I've not been any busier than i have been today. I've not gotten as much things done as i have today. It is just amazing. I am surprised by myself. All thanks to Babs for this. Thank you soooo much!

2006-01-31T19:55:00.000+08:00

OK, I have a good news and a bad one. The good news is this little sweetie is finally getting to know me and she's even sleeping on my lap now... And i cant move my lap as a result, so i'm gonna have a numb leg soon.

And for the bad news. She pee-ed on my bed!!!! Ahhhh!!! Help!!! Yes, I got the lid off the kitty litter box now. I hope she know where to go now!

2006-01-31T18:31:00.000+08:00

I finally got my little Bebe to come out and play for alittle while. Took out some long string to attract her out of behind the desk. That place has become her little safe haven. She slept for quite awhile behind the desk. She would only come up to the bed if i took the string up to the bed. Managed to catch a blurry picture of her while she had her attention on the string. She looks like alittle cutie tiga.. She went totally crazy chasing the string and keeps biting at it. She's such a cutie. I managed to get the kitty litter but i'm not sure if she knows how to use it coz its one of those with a cover and a flappy door to it. I hope she learns how to use it. Gotta to get a scratch tower next.

2006-01-31T13:21:00.000+08:00

I came home with one of the furkids, Bebe!! The other one got adopted yesterday. I wished i had gotten the other one too, so they could keep each other company. Little bebe's so scared of me, she's gone into hiding and doesn't want to come out. She was sitting in one corner staring at me for awhile, and now she's gone behind the desk. I think she needs some time to get used to her new environment. I can't wait for her to come lie with me on the bed. I bought some kitty food and kitty litter box too. But i haven't got any litter sand yet coz it was just too heavy to carry them all. I'll have to get that later. I wish little Bebe would come out and play with me.

2006-01-30T10:15:00.000+08:00

These are the 2 cats i'm hopefully gonna see tomorrow. One's Bebe and the other's Becky, Both female, about one and a half months old. I've never had a female cat before, both my cats in the past were males. I wonder if there's any difference. They look like such cuties. I hope everything works out fine. I'm excited just thinking about it. And i'm finally getting out of bed for this. I've been helping myself to sleeping pills one after the next, just so i could sleep through most of the day.

This trashy magazine sitting on my bed has an article that says its the year of the dog this year. And they had a whole list of things you could do for your pet dogs to pamper them, like bring them for 60-90min spa treatments for $50-$75, give them a complete makeover in salons for a wash, manicure, pedicure and styling for $60-$250, take photo shots, and even bring them out to restaurants wherer they have doggy menus... grilled meatballs plus a bowl of water for $3.80... after which you can bring them to doggy parties where they deliver chicken cakes that come with candles and messages shaped as hearts or bones. Oh boy, i wanna be a bloody pet dog! I wonder if there is such a thing as the year of the cat...

2006-01-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

Everytime i wake, loneliness creeps up to me. Sometimes i just wish i could sleep forever.

2006-01-29T00:09:00.000+08:00

2006-01-28T20:23:00.000+08:00

The weekend feels really hard to go by. I did some reading, a short story by Satre called Erostratus. Pretty good stuff, if you're into the existentialist philosophy and all. Alittle depressing but i like it. There's this other story called The Wall, about a political prisoner awaiting execution the next morning. Every event that transpires that particular night is analyzed too thoroughly, leaving me almost in a trance. After finishing the story, I felt as though nothing mattered. Who cares if the dishes were not washed, who cares if I would be late for work. I just love Sartre's brilliant writing style.

Other than that, i lay down in bed but couldn't sleep much. I think that's about all i did today. I guess it's still alot better than going to work and facing that arrogant prick all day. Oh i did browse through that trashy magazine i bought yesterday. There was an article about some woman who paid her own husband for sex for a good couple of years, i think it was a thousand a night ot something, only to find that he was using all that money to buy his mistress a $20,000 ring. The wife should have guessed as much, i think.

So its night time again. I wonder if i'm gonna be up all night again. I don't really mind it actually. I just need to find something i could do that takes my mind off things. But i feel lethargic at the same time. Its weird. I received a $200 cheque in the mail from my sister today, she says its part of our chinese tradition although we hardly practice it in australia. She's really sweet, and i just broke down and cried. I don't know why, i guess i cry too easily.

2006-01-28T10:49:00.000+08:00

I'm up now. Slept at 6am, up at 10am. That's what valium does for me. Useless piece of crap, i still feel tired. I had so much trouble getting to sleep all night, so i guess four hours was something at least. I only have one amitriptyline, and i'm keeping that for another day, when i feel worse than i did yesterday. So its saturday, no plans to go anywhere. I have one trashy magazine i bought yesterday, i could have a go at that. I also have sex & the city. Think that might be a better choice. Actually, i have a whole shelf of books to read. I'll try but i doubt i have much concentration. I love to read, i used to stay up all night just to finish a really good book. I don't really know what's happened. I think a part of my brain has stopped functioning. I can't seem to focus anymore and i get lost after acouple of sentences. Maybe i should go for some MRI scan on my brain. Speaking of brain, there's this pretty funny but old video from omglolwtf.com, teaching kids about this thing called "the brain", The Brain. They have some pretty interesting links in that website.

Spoke to my sister yesterday morning, told her about the arrogant boss i have, about the lunch incident when he was walking so fast ahead of me and i had to play catch up with him all the way from our office to the sandwich place. That was bloody rude in my opinion and she agrees. It's worse when he sits right beside me. Its times like these that i hate open concept offices. Anyway, back to my conversation with my sis, she was telling me about how she's trying for a second kid but its not happening. She said its perhaps difficult to conceive once you're in your 30s. So maybe i'd have to adopt a kid if i want to be a single mother. Gee, i don't know why i'm thinking about this. I think i have too much time on my hands and crappy thoughts are creeping into my head again. Aww, i miss my sister so much, it sucks being all alone here. There's no one to talk to when i feel like it, no one who'll visit me every now and then. I miss all the familiarity i had. I just read Babs's post on my email and i do agree about being alone. I do love my time being alone. In fact i hate being around people because i hate that front i have to put up and that fake laughter i hear all around. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. But with a mind like mine, sometimes being alone can drive me up the wall because i think of all kinds of crap, about myself, my life, about the world and stuff, and i get depressed or panicky and it can be really frustrating. I guess i really need to spend my time alone doing little things that make me happy. Maybe i gotta check out some of those books she mentioned.

Anyway, i'm gonna try to read. And maybe later take my valium and sleep for alittle. Its better than just curling in bed thinking. I hope everyone's having a good day otherwise. Just got an email on Lisa's post, think she's alittle down. I should go by her blog first. Cheerios, one and all.

2006-01-28T00:04:00.000+08:00

I've been in bed for most of the day, nothing unusual. I did get up in the evening with a big fat headache and went to a clinic nearby. Not the same one that prescribed me with some amitriptyline, but one i've never been before. Some rather old doctor, stared at me when i said i needed some antidepressants, like i was some druggie. I had to explain the whole story before she was willing to prescribe me with a month's supply of prozac. But she wouldn't prescribe amitriptyline, said she didn't have any. She gave me some propranolol too coz i asked for it. Other than that, nothing much happened today. I'm feeling alittle empty inside. I feel like having a chat to take my mind off crap but don't know who to chat with. It was buzzling outside with lots of people, lots of lights and lots of noise coming in all directions. Everyone's preparing for the chinese new year festive and there was some performance happening as well. But i feel empty, i guess the festive mood isn't getting to me much.

From my freewill astrology.. "At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self... let these words serve as your guiding light in the coming weeks, scorpio. They should inspire you to be brave enough to confront the feelings of isolation that fester in your depths. That will in turn motivate you to reconnect with the parts of your psyche you were cut off from during times of trauma and unconsciousness in the past." So maybe there is a purpose in riding through this time of loneliness and emptiness, huh? Maybe something will come out of it, some revelating truth about my lost self. I'm not sure if i was being sarcastic or if i really meant it. I don't know, just needed to blog and take my mind off things. Its gonna be a long, long night i think.

2006-01-27T11:25:00.000+08:00

Took a day off today. Just couldn't pick myself up to go to work. I have a long weekend ahead, not sure what i'm gonna do. Probably end up staying in bed for the most of it. Sorry about the earlier post, i guess i'm just having a really hard time shaking off this depression. Gonna try to see if i can sleep or take my last few amitriptyline to help me do that. It was Australia day yesterday, guess i should have taken yesterday off instead. I really need to get to the doctor today because i'm out, but i think i'll sleep first. Yeah, just for alittle while.

2006-01-26T20:25:00.000+08:00

Can someone please tell me when will this ever end? I'm in so much pain right now, i don't know what to do. I'm so lost, i want to end it all. My heart weighs so heavy and my throat is choking me now. My mind cannot focus and i'm making mistakes in whatever i do. I wish someone could just take this away from me, just lift me from all this pain and darkness. please, i'm so sad, i'm desperate and í don't know what to do anymore. Why the fuck can't i just end it all. i don't want this kind of life anymore. i dont.